Child Assertiveness vs. Adult Assertiveness

The word ‘assertiveness’ is well known in today’s world. When we use it, we typically refer to good self-esteem, confidence and the ability to express oneself clearly.

Today I propose we take a closer look at assertiveness and explore the difference between assertiveness of a person who is just learning to manage their emotions (whether a child or an adult) and someone who has already integrated their emotions well (usually an adult, though not always).

When a child comes to this world and starts experiencing life, they have no problems with a form of primitive assertiveness: they demands what they need, scream when something is wrong, and are unhappy when something is denied, all in a very elemental, uncontrollable way. Over time, as the child gains more understanding and a better ability to speak, we expect them to express their needs more consciously. A mother can say to the child: “Johny, if you don’t want to eat this sandwich, don’t scream, just tell me what you would like”. Or: “Suzy, I see you are sad, tell me what happened.”

A good caregiver notices the emotional states of the child and helps them to express emotions with words, more consciously. This helps the child learn about themselves, the world, and other people. Now the child not only spontaneously experiences life but also begins to understand the experience. In this way, their experiences can become regulated, rather than being just an impulsive action-reaction.

Sometimes we forget that a child can’t fully and rationally communicate their needs, and we lose our patience. Nevertheless, it’s the caregiver’s job to acknowledge that whatever the child experiences is very real to him or her. In this way, the child learns to respect their own feelings and express them without fear.

Over time, as understanding deepens, the child can communicate their inner state more accurately. Let’s look at an example. A mother comes back home from store, feeling really upset, because she lost her wallet. A 10-year-old child approaches her and says something, but the upset mother pushes the child away, overtaken by her emotions.

First scenario: if the child has been taught how to express their emotions and feelings, they may say: “Mom, I don’t like when you are like that.” It is not very precise and complex statement, but it clearly shows that the child is afraid and that this rejection is too much to process.

The mom’s job is to hear it, acknowledge it and react adequately. She may say: “Mark, everything is OK, something happened and it upset me, but it’s not your fault. Let me rest a little and I will come to you in a moment.”

When a caregiver does their job well — that is, observes the child, understands the child’s inner state, and gives them space to express their inner difficulties — the child becomes more and more emotionally intelligent, which means more assertive.

Second scenario: if the child has not been taught how to safely express themselves, the reaction to the same situation with their mom will be hiding, crying, feeling fear, guilt, or anger, and a belief that they are not loved and needed anymore.

Generally speaking, assertiveness of a child is about expressing to the world how they feel in a given situation and they do this by projecting their feelings onto others, making others responsible for them.

Notice, in our example above, that when mom snorted at Mark, and he said he didn’t like when she behaved this way, what he really meant was: Mom, I’m not coping with my feelings right now, I’m scared, and you are doing it to me. Please, do something about yourself so I can feel better.

This is a child’s assertiveness. A child can’t take responsibility for their own mood yet, because their system is not mature enough and still doesn’t have clear boundaries. So the child blames the external world for their inner processes and demands from others to be responsible for their feelings: It is your fault that I feel this way — change it.

When we are children, this behavior is expected and unavoidable. However when the structures of awareness develop more and more, and if the caregivers are wise and can provide a safe space for the child to express themselves without being judged or criticized, the need to make others responsible for the child’s feelings, diminishes. A maturing person becomes more responsible for their feelings and moods. They begin to see and understand that all reactions come from within and nobody causes them.

So in our example, the naw adult, 20-years old Mark approaches mom who just came back upset from store, and asks her something. Mom answers something rudely. Mark may be unhappy with this answer, but he won’t become desperate and crushed. Seeing his mother’s mood, he will back away and give her space. He will take care of his unhappiness in his own way. After all, she didn’t GIVE him this unhappy feeling, it was his reaction from within to the fact, that the mother didn’t answer his question — that is, didn’t meet his expectation.

Adult Mark has a choice here: to remain a victim and blame his mother for his unhappiness, or to recognize that his mom’s emotions have nothing to do with him, because what happened to her was not connected to him in any way. Her reaction was not directed at him but was the result of a difficult situation.

A small child who does not have this kind of discernment yet and still is partially blended with the external world, will absorb emotions of other people, or will blame others for their own emotions. Their system still processes everything more globally, because it’s not refined yet to distinguish between the inner world and the external world. The worlds are still merged, not individuated.

And here we are arriving to the subject of adult people, who didn’t have a chance to develop good assertiveness in their childhood. Many times it becomes a source of serious misunderstandings, because we unwittingly think that the expression of ourselves, characteristic to children, is still normal in adulthood. Unfortunately often it is not.

Let’s take two people in a relationship as an example. He complains that she is focused on her life, that she does not give him enough attention and time, does not respect his needs. He feels rejected and unimportant. Now, let’s see three different scenarios of assertiveness in this situation:

1. No assertiveness — being locked in a victim role — he sees only himself and his pain.

He is immersed in his own emotions and can’t communicate them, maybe he is not even fully aware of them. There is only hurt. He is helplessly waiting for her to guess what’s going on and take the load of responsibility for everything onto herself. It is a typical behavior of a toddler, who is not aware of their inner states yet and is waiting for mom or dad to recognize them, and then come and rescue the child. So in this example, he is waiting for her to be his parent who will save him from himself.

An example of no assertiveness would be: creating displays of being hurt or offended, or explosions of inadequate anger about meaningless things.

2. Assertiveness of a child — remaining in a position of dependence — he sees himself as a victim, and the other person as a source of his pain.

He is blaming her, thinking that his discomfort in the relationship is caused by her inappropriate behavior. He can’t take responsibility for his own emotions and wants her to change her behavior so he can feel better. This is, again, typical behavior of a child who is still merged with their environment and can’t distinguish their own inner content from that of another person. Although we can see the need to solve the problem, it is still approached in an immature way, where “mom does everything, because the child can’t do it yet by himself.”

An example of childlike assertiveness would be: “I’m angry that you don’t spend time with me, I feel rejected and unimportant in your eyes, because of it.”

What we read here between lines is: it is your fault that I feel this way — fix it.

3. Assertiveness of an adult — taking 100% responsibility for his emotional state by seeing his own inner conditioning as a source of his emotional reaction.

He is not happy that they don’t spend more time together, but he uses his unhappiness as information within a wider context. He may think: Is it possible that I feel unimportant because my self-esteem is low and her behavior triggers it? Do I feel threatened, because she knows how to take care of herself and achieve her goals and I was not allowed to do so, so I don’t know how to take care of my needs? Am I jealous, because with my low self-esteem it is unthinkable that she may give more attention to her goals than to me?

If he successfully finds the inner source of his reaction, the problem is solved. This can happen in two ways:

• after he eliminated the source of his low self-esteem he many now see her behavior in a different light. He can see that his reaction was a projection of his own unresolved issue and he wanted to pull her into it. In this scenario, an example of an adult assertiveness would be the final stage of this process: an appropriate reaction. He may say then: “You know, I miss our time together. Let’s plan something for both of us.” He used his own unhappiness as information needed to solve the problem, instead of playing the victim and expecting some special treatment.
• or, if she is indeed focused only on her own goals and has no time for anything else, after he eliminated the source of his low self-esteem, he may say: “I’m sorry, but this relationship is not working for me, we don’t match. I’d like to end it.” This decision is free of any hurt, contempt, anger, fear or guilt. It’s peaceful. And if this decision is accompanied by any of the mentioned above emotions, it means that the decision is not adult assertiveness but an escape from self-responsibility. It will lead to repeating the same experiences with another person.

In both examples this person is not a victim waiting for somebody to save him, but a creator of his own fate.

EXPRESSED EXPECTATION THAT OTHER PERSON WILL CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR SO WE CAN FEEL EMOTIONALLY BETTER IS NOT ADULT ASSERTIVENESS

The most mature form of assertiveness is the ability to attentively read the situation, process the information inside without announcing one’s emotional state to the world, and, as a result, to react appropriately. Underneath the final reaction, there is peace. In an adult form of assertiveness, emotions are just information for us, showing our position in a given situation and guiding us on what to do in response to that situation. It is not information for others about our “misfortune”, so they can do something about it for us.

Now the question is, what to do, when there are adults who didn’t have good teachers and have not developed adult assertiveness yet? Of course, this is not a reason to get discouraged but an opportunity to understand the process. If somebody needs to learn the stage of assertiveness of a child and practice how to announce their emotional states to others out-loud, that’s OK. If two people are aware of this and practice this stage between themselves, it becomes a valuable learning experience necessary for the following stages of development.

The most important thing is to understand, that announcing one’s emotional states and expecting others to change something so the person can feel better is only a STAGE of development of assertiveness, and not its goal. It is easy to get stuck in the belief that it is others’ responsibility to pay attention to our emotional states and care about them, while we don’t have to do anything about it. In childhood, this is a normal expectation. In adulthood, it is immature, dysfunctional, and causes emotional drama.

Another important characteristic of adult assertiveness is the ability to recognize that the emotional state of another person belongs to that person and their internal world, and is not something that is directed at or against us. Even if on the surface something is directed at us, underneath, it is still a projection and has nothing to do with us. Most likely, it is a subconscious, entangled, and unresolved process within that person. It takes a good amount of self-awareness to see this and avoid being sucked into it. It is up to us whether we treat something that belongs to others as our own, or leave it where it belongs.

Check your state of assertiveness. Maybe there is none, maybe there is some in certain situations and not in others. Maybe sometimes it is still the assertiveness of a child, and sometimes quite adult. Whatever it is, the good news is that the path of assertiveness development is available to everyone, at every age and in every stage of growth.